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10 reasons why you should (definitely) use TikTok

My new exercise plan: perform TikTok dances in front of my phone until I collapse from exhaustion.

Hi! I’m Shelby De'Amelio, an avid TikTok user. In this article, I’ll give you 10 reasons why you should DEFINITELY use TikTok, because it’s so awesome!!!

  1. No one cares about punctuation on the internet! On TikTok, you can yell at people for using periods because they are reminiscent of oppressive governments. I am PROUD of not knowing how commas work.
  2. TikTok really engages your brain! I get sooooo much of a mental workout by posting snarky replies to TikTok users that I DEFINITELY don’t envy.
  3. The more you use TikTok, the more fun it becomes! Now when I go to the newest Fast & Furious movie, my friends and I just create TikTok videos instead. I’m pretty sure the other people in the movie theater make loud, antagonistic noises towards us because they LOVE our TikTok videos.
  4. You know how “doctors” always yell at us about getting sufficient “exercise”? Sure, if you’re a loser, you could go on a run, but I MUCH prefer getting my exercise by performing TikTok dances in front of my phone until I collapse from exhaustion.
  5. TikTok challenges, are like, so much fun to do! I see NO better way to spend my Friday nights than watching Jason Derulo attempt to eat a cob of corn while it’s attached to a spinning power drill. Oops! It’s time for dinner — time to cook some nutritious NyQuil chicken!
  6. I’ve heard reports (from my dumb parents) that “China” is stealing all of our information if we use TikTok. Well, China is like a MILLION miles away!! Who cares about China anyway? It’s not like they influence our consumeristic lives in any conceivable way.
  7. In the REAL world, you have to listen to people if they have something bad to say about you. On TikTok, if someone brings up an argument with any semblance of logic or reason, you can simply block them and you never have to talk to them again!!
  8. I don’t see why this “TikTok algorithm” is such a BAD thing. I downloaded the app just a week ago and it already knows about my interests, my location, my social security number, and the password to my brokerage account. But it's all so that TikTok can help my videos be more interesting!
  9. On some other social media platforms (like "YouTube"), you have to actually CLICK on a video if you want to watch it. That's far too much effort — I don’t want to have to choose!! TikTok knows exactly what I want to watch (well, most of the time). If I don’t like a video within the first three milliseconds of seeing it, I swipe up, and boom, it’s gone.
  10. What was I talking about again? Did I really have the patience to write an article this LONG?! I can’t remember: I should go on TikTok so I can get some more “inspiration”.

Not satire: I really do not like TikTok and haven't used it. I hope you enjoyed my attempt at a satirical post. If your name is Shelby De'Amelio, I am deeply sorry.